My friend "the wife" asked me if I could do a cake for her husbands 50th birthday and it had to be "sumfin to do with fishin".
So off I went into a google frenzy and decided to make a kind of "mounted trophy fish" with a wooden plaque background and a metal plate announcing the name and age...
So I started by icing a large rectangular board approx 24" long with sugar paste coloured with autumn leaf. Then I began by giving it a dark brown/autumn leaf wash, then I began painting the wood grain detail with dark brown. All the washes and detail were paste colour with rejuvenating spirit or a few drops of clear alcohol.
Next up was the cake itself. I had baked 2x 9" square chocolate cakes and cut the detail out by placing them side by side and using the off cuts for the fins and tail. (I detest waste)
I then covered the body with a pale green (mint green with a touch of autumn leaf) and cut out lots of 2cm circles from other various colours and stuck them on to mimic scales. The fins were covered with egg yellow/autumn leaf and then scored to add texture.
The mouth was created by using a bone tool to make indentation. I then gave the scales a very light wash of water before adding some iridescent glitter.
This was then finished off with a black 15 mm ribbon for the board and a plaque for his name and age. Simples!
I briefly mentioned my plans for poor Sh@g at work and my boss became suddenly very excited. He loves a bit of tinkering and backyard chemistry! I couldn't rust my car because all the panels are plastic, so that would mean a bit of jiggery pokery! We did some research and found that other people had bought a rusty solution from someone on ebay, but sadly they no longer do it. Then we found Dulux Australia make a rusty paint. Sadly not available in the UK. So off my boss went into his man shed and began playing with paint and iron... Here is a test strip made out of a bit of old wood... all we had to do was spray it with lemon and salt and wait.
Then lo and behold one of the samples rusted! We had made our own rusty wood! It was also weather proof. Bonus!
This particular finish was created by simply painting the wood and sprinkling iron filings on the wet surface. When dry spray with a lemon and salt solution for fast rusting.
So off I went to the bosses house for a day of ratting and tinkering. As you can see we did lots of prep (we used a sheet and wire wool on the surface)
Then we used an outdoors metal/plastic paint in a fetching NATO green and sprinkled iron filings over the top. This used about 750g to do the whole bonnet.
Then sprayed with lemon juice and vinegar! Et viola!
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Next up was the rear doors... I decided a fetching newspaper collage would be highly effective in my journey to rat-dom, so various newspapers, a brush and a pva-water solution finished off with some varnish I found in the shed.
Next was sticker bombing... After researching how much stickers were going to cost me.... HOW MUCH!? I decided to trial making my own using waterproof printable vinyl. It was an initial success, but after a week and harsh sun, the UV had unfortunately faded them... back to the drawing board!
So after spending less than £15 I now have a semi-rat! There is still much much more to do, but I am feeling rather pleased with myself about the current rat progress! As I am driving along I get people pointing and giggling. When its parked up people come over to have a look and chat to me about it. I have only met one person who was grumpy about it and told me my stickers were illegal.... erm ok.
But the general consensus is they love it. They love the fact that its wacky and they love the fact that its different. After all, if we were all the same the world would be a very boring place don't you think?
So if I can make someones morning by having them giggle at my car, then I am one happy bunny :-)
Sooo... Wedding is over, honeymoon still to come. What can I do now? I sat there pondering this for several weeks. I did some honeymoon wardrobe window shopping which killed about 3 weeks* Then I went on a house tidy spree. Then I re-organised my sock drawer. Cue post wedding blues. I needed something to get my teeth sunk into and fast. I needed a long term project which I could spend time on when I fancied.... But what? Then along came Sh@g** Sh@g is a Smart ForFour which has been mistreated on a gross scale. I think she was driven by a blind hoarding woman with dogs and kids. When I took her for a test drive I urgently felt the need to have a shower and frontline myself immediately afterwards because it was so filthy and disgusting. So because I am so fond of making lists, heres a SITREP Cons Massive dent on passenger side rear quarter Massive weird circular crack in bumper Bumper half hanging off on passenger side Very large deep scuffs on all 4 corners (from bad parking?) 3" tear in drivers seat pad exposing metal frame 2" tear in drivers seat back Ingrained dog hair in all the carpets Disgusting perma wet dog stench Bogeys? Frame in drivers seat back protruding causing discomfort Crack & large chip from passenger side indicator Scratches from ?dog claws on back bumper ?Cooking oil spillage on rear seats Chocolate and boiled sweets amalgamated in rear door pockets Cigarette lighter/satnav charger not working Leak in passenger rear window MUD! Various tears, scuffs and scrapes in all of interior door cards Cigarette burns in headlining, seats and carpets A pirate copy of Clubland or some other b*llocks in the CD player (worth a mention) Someone has painted (badly) the alloy wheels black The most Fugly colour green? yellow? Gold/green? colour I have ever seen 80k on the clock Pros It works It has an MOT its silly cheap because of all of the above Its cheaper than the bus Its not a bus I can have some fun with this.... So Google got some hammering for a few days whilst I tried to find some solutions to the issue of my super ugly poorly looking car, because frankly it was embarrassing. Driving round in a car with all those dents and scrapes, it made me look like I couldn't drive and I take it very personally if you insult my driving. Reason being, the last big thing I did with my Dad before he died in 2005 was learn how to drive and I see driving as the ultimate gift from him. I love driving, but driving a car I feel embarrassed to be seen in really ruins it for me and is also a bit insulting. So I needed a solution to the problem and fast. To fix it would cost at least £1000 which is money I don't have and feel would be wasted. So what could I do? Them BAM! I came across an image of a Micra the same year and colour that I used to drive (aka Rita). But this Micra had a very special look. It had panels which were rusted, shrunken heads hanging from the mirror, stickerbombed windows, a roofrack sporting various bits of junk, whitewall tyres and some random paint job on the doors. I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. I then clicked on the link where it took me to a website called rat-look.com where I discovered a whole community of rust crazy nutters. They took cars who were past their best cosmetically and went wild with whatever takes their fancy. They know how not to take themselves too seriously and can have fun with their cars. The concept of Rat Look seems to have various grey areas and if you ask the members for their opinion, you will most likely get different answers. Some believe it is a highly modded mechanical masterpiece with a generally tatty exterior. Some believe it is a fully rusted exterior and some just don't have a clue but love it anyway. Rat Look in my eyes is taking a car (or vehicle) which cosmetically isn't too cracking and you roll with it. Embrace the dents, cultivate the rust into a paint effect and generally have fun with it. Don't take it too seriously and make something which will make people laugh or smile. Challenge accepted.
*Going on holiday when you're plus size can be difficult. I cant just buy some super cute lil shorts and sexy lil vest tops cos I would look like an absolute twit! anything above the knee is a no-no! and flattering, keep cool, functional yet pretty clothing is difficult to come by. Swimwear is a massive challenge too. Cant wear halternecks because the back rolls down, cant wear bandeaus cos it gathers up and squashes boobs into a kinda ugly sausage, cant wear bikinis (shudder) ESPECIALLY those super cheap pretty little tie side jobbies. *sigh* so ill carry on on my slimming world diet and dream of sundresses :-) ** The nickname my colleagues gave her
It took 2 years to design and 10 minutes to be eaten. Was I pleased with it? Umm not 100%. There was nothing wrong with it, but I felt it was a bit of an anti-climax. I think I would never have been 100% happy regardless though as there were too many people giving their opinions on what it should and should not be some of which I agreed to against my better judgement. This meant I ended up with a whole tier that was bodged and a feeling of uneasiness about the structural integrity. The compliments received were all good but it didn't soothe my disappointment in the finished product. *sigh* I think that's what you get for putting too much pressure on yourself huh? ( Dont think it helped that the toastmaster kept picking fault.... git)
The Bottom tier was fruit and has a ring of flowers mimicking the detail on my wedding dress.
Then there was a tier of carrot cake which had a quilting effect on it. This is the tier I dislike due to it being uneven and having poor detail. I knew I didn't want to do this design but it was a compromise I should never have let happen. Luckily the camera angle disguises the errors. I finished this tier off with a length of ivory lace and some 3mm Berisfords Cypress Green Ribbon.
Then we had a tier of chocolate cake simply finished with 50mm Berisfords Cypress Green Ribbon and an antique brooch I picked up at an antiques fayre.
Then we have 2 tiers of lemon cake. The 2nd to top was finished with a pretty ruffle effect mimicking the effect of bridal underskirts and the top tier had pleated detail similar to that on the bodices of both mine and the bridesmaids dresses, finished off with a larger flower in the same design as the bottom tier surrounded my crystal picks made by my talented Stepmum.
So The Day came and went in a blur. The Day which has caused blood sweat and tears has occurred. 2 years of careful planning has come to an end. The Day which has been the cause of so much heartache is finally over.
So I am a self confessed list making junkie! I make lists for allsorts. I dont feel like I am able to plan anything without lists. Without a comprehensive list with sub lists and supporting information I feel like Im incompetent and destined to fail! This wedding planning lark is exactly the same, I had a timetable of events to help me plan what needs doing (due to me doing and making nearly everything myself) and put it up in the kitchen on "The Great Wall of Plan". I have to say this has been invaluable! I then sat down and made a shopping list for all the bits I have so far forgotten and it wasn't pretty! How did I forget so much stuff? Everything from heel grips to make-up remover is on there with grapes in between! *sigh* Now comes the task of figuring out when exactly am I going to fit all this into my exhausting week? I have a plan though! Its called Pull Yourself Together Dawn and Deal With It! So how am I going to fit in a shopping excursion? Simple! Make a list of stuff to do! Do you see where this is going? Me too. I think I have a problem.
So its 30 days to go from today and I am stressed. Not because of invites, dresses, flowers or any of the other things one needs to be organised and faffed over, but because of stupid/selfish/obnoxious/no common sense/annoying* people. I understand that my wedding is not everyone's priority and life shouldn't come to a screaming halt because I am getting married, but basic common courtesy would be most appreciated from my loved ones and professional contacts!
My heightened emotional state really does not help matters when there seems to be a new occurrence of something bad happening on a daily basis and peoples general lack of compassion and understanding making matters worse.
I now detest the phrase "Bridezilla" because I have come to realise its unfair. In some cases it is well deserved due to the fact that some bride to be's are just psychopaths, but most of the ladies I have been speaking to are put under so much pressure and endure unrealistic amounts of stress and anxiety (me included) that they have no choice but to crack at some point. Does this breakdown deserve them the title of bridezilla? So if someones car continuously breaks down and leaves them stranded and in tears, causing them to have a little rant on occasion, does this make them a carzilla? No.
So if my heightened stress caused by people behaving with some of the above mentioned traits is cause for me to be tagged a Bridezilla then so be it. I shall wear that title as a badge of honour, however those who are guilty of causing stress oughta be ashamed of themselves and hide under the stairs because a scorned "Bridezilla" is not a person you want to cross.
Heres where I get all wordy...
I like this quote and thought I would amend to make it fit-for-purpose.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman Bridezilla scorned"
I then went one step further...
Nails may get broken and noses may hurt.
Feelings may become bruised and ego's burst.
Smugness will be wiped and jesting slapped.
Haters will hate and stupidity snapped.
If you rile the bride
You scorn the groom
A chief bridesmaid will come down on you
And force you from the room
The bride is fragile and her sanity she will mourn
You are in the wrong and your pride will be torn
She needs understanding, patience and love
To help her create memories she can be proud of
On a lighter note, this lady Cheryl Texiera has made a series of wedding related monologues which cracked me up. The stuff she comes out with is all too true. If you are planning a wedding I sincerely recommend you take time out to watch her work. It will be good for your sanity. Trust me.
